We Sleep With Everyone
by Kanzeon
Summary: Bad musical parody. (It was bound to happen *some* day . . .) Beware of yaoi.


We Sleep With Everyone (Saiyuki Style)

By Eline (Kanzeon on ff.net)

(Yeah, it's mostly yaoi with weirdness along the way--though I never get warnings for het fics oddly enough. Spoilers . . . right, there are spoilers. Spoilers for anyone who hasn't read the manga, the _Gaiden_, watched the anime and the movie _Requiem_. And spoilers for anyone who has not had a pervy thought or two about the characters once in a while.)

"We Sleep With Everyone (Saiyuki style)"

A.k.a. Eline entertains herself:

__

*spotlight on the whole cast of Saiyuki, most of whom appear pissed off, worried or homicidal*

Gojyo: Someone tell me why we're doing this?

Eline: *from backstage* Two words. Nicotine withdrawal.

Gojyo: *sweats* Gotcha.

__

Sung to the mangled tune of "Love Changes Everything" from "Aspects of Love" by Andrew Lloyd Webber and the spoofed lyrics from "Forbidden Broadway" by Gerard Alessandrini.

****

Kougaiji: *singing in an extremely flat voice* 

I--I sleep with everyone, 

Sleep with Doku, sleep with Nii.

__

(Die, you lousy excuse for a fanfic author!)

Yaone: Say it isn't so!

****

Dokugakuji: *resigned* 

I--I sleep with everyone, 

With my mother--

Gojyo: *joins in* And my _aniki_.

__

Dokugakuji: That's not funny, you bitch!

****

Gojyo: *smirks* 

I--I sleep with everyone, 

While I'm lusting after Hakkai . . .

__

Hakkai: *winks* Later, Gojyo . . .

****

Sanzo: *in a tone that is not as flat as it is in fact P.O.ed and sung through gritted teeth* 

And I--I sleep with everyone, 

With H--*chokes*--Homura, 

And the entire _Tenkai_. 

__

(The fanfic author will die. The fanfic author *must* die . . .)

Homura: *using that special emphasis he reserves for Sanzo* Konzen . . .

Goku: Hands off!

****

Everyone: Let's sneak behind the scenes for a quickie priest sandwich with rye!

__

*Someone pulls up the backdrop to reveal Gojyo, Zenon and Sanzo going at it like bunnies* *much bitch-slapping ensues*

****

Hakkai: *sadly* 

I--I sleep with everyone, 

With Gojyo, and my sister too.

Gojyo: Say--say did I sleep with you?

Shien: Hmmm, I don't think so . . .

Gojyo: *grins* But I'm free next Tuesday, are you?

__

Hakkai: *steps on Gojyo's foot*

****

Homura and Nii: Hey, I'd better sleep with you, to make sure I didn't miss you. 

Everyone: And we all sleep with everyone, one by one and two by two . . .

__

Kami-Sama: Why not a threesome while we're at it?

Sanzo: Fu--I mean over my dead body!

Kami-Sama: Necrophilia? Kinky . . .

****

Everyone: Everybody gets some, even Kanzeon Bosatsu!

__

Hakkai: Author-san, we think you need to stop listening to those musicals for a while . . .

Eline: *wearing the semi-deranged grin of the sleep-deprived*

[Refrain]

****

Gyokumen: *purrs*

I--I screwed with everyone, 

But I think you 

Might have guessed that too.

__

Everyone: Spare us the details!

****

Litouten: *evil smirk* 

I--I screwed everyone, 

Just to further 

My twisted schemes.

__

Everyone: *thinking the same thoughts about certain scenes from the Gaiden* Ewww . . . Squick!

****

Homura: *wearing that evil knowing smile that he always does when he's plotting something* 

I--I screwed with everyone, 

From most of my subordinates--

Everyone: *cuts in* Right down to Mary Sue . . .

__

Homura: Okay, so I had *one* momentary lapse of judgement with Rinrei . . .

Everyone: Duh. We know she had other . . . things that made up for her lack of a tangible personality and you hadn't seen a girl before at that time, but *honestly* . . .

****

Dougan: *totally off-key* 

I--I screwed up my life, 

Just to be by my beloved Sanzo-sama's side. 

__

Sanzo: Get a life. Better yet, get singing lessons.

****

Everyone: Let's all go backstage for the Sanzo-uke ride . . .

__

Sanzo: *glares at fanfic author*

*cut to the meeting of the Unofficial Sanzo Fanclub, where Homura is arm-wrestling Dougan for the right to be seme to Sanzo in the next fanfic while Goku, Psychotic-Goku-Without-A-Limiter, Nii and everyone else in the cast looks on* *it eventually degenerates into a mass bitch-slapping session*

****

Konzen: *to say that he was angry would be to say that Everest is an average-sized mountain* 

I--I got screwed by everyone, 

From my perverted bitch of an aunt/uncle/whatever--

Everyone: *chimes in* And we heard you were into monkeys too . . .

__

Konzen: That perverted bitch put you guys up to this, didn't she?

Eline: Atchoo!

Konzen: The *other* pervy bitch.

Kanzeon Bosatsu: Atchoo!

Konzen: Thank you.

****

Minor character #62: Hey--hey, did I sleep with you?

Kenren: *checks the notches on his bedpost* Hmmmm, I don't think so . . .

Konzen: But I don't want to sleep with _Tentei_ too!

__

Homura: *polishes his Really Big Sword* One more reason to wage war on Heaven . . .

****

Tenpou and Psychotic-Goku-Without-A-Limiter: Hey I'd better screw around with you, to make sure I didn't miss you.

Everyone: *chorus* And we all sleep with everyone, from the _Gaiden_ to every non-canon anime episode . . .

__

Tenpou: Now that would be *some* crossover . . .

****

Everyone: Because this series is actually about emotionally fucked-up bishounen with angst overload!

__

Kanzeon Bosatsu: But that's why you love it, right? *winks*

Lirin, Kon, Yoh, Meihou and Very-Young-Goku: Ne, can we take off these earplugs now?

Kougaiji: No, not until we're safely away from this accursed fanfic . . .

Eline: And that's all folks! *falls over* Zzzzz . . .

* * * * * * * * * * *

Hakkai: We would like to make a disclaimer . . .

Gojyo: She was holding our cigarette supplies hostage! (How else did you think *Sanzo* would ever get mixed up in this?)

Hakkai: And so we are not responsible for any nosebleeds that occurred during the reading of this fic . . .

Kougaiji: After all that crap was over, I had the strangest urge to take up smoking and drink copious amounts of alcohol to kill any brain cells that might remember this episode . . .

Hakkai: We're not taking responsibility for any other side effects either . . . And the author is tone-deaf to begin with, so any complaints with the arrangement should be stacked solely on her head. When she wakes up, of course.

The End.


End file.
